Saturday, 20 August 2016

Saturday Short Prose

First, my heart speeds up so that it feels like I can hear the beats and feel it pumping to fast.  My stomach starts to churn like it wants to devour itself.  My chest feels tingly till it starts to burn and I can feel the warmth crawl down my arms.  My head pounds like all my thoughts need to escape.  If I can't think it...will this all stop.  I need to lay down the room is spinning and I feel nausea spread.  Now all I can think is that I need to vomit...but I don't want to...and start to dry heave.  I can hear words bounce of me so that the words strung together fall apart.  I need to focus.  I need to take a proper breath.  One. Two. Three.

I need to be alone. I need a hug that holds on until the shaking goes away.  I need to be alone.

The world feels big and so small.  I can't take the next...correction...I don't want to take the next breath.  If I don't breathe I won't feel...feel all that is around.  The sadness.  Loneliness.  Pain.  I'm an other.  I'm not here.

I am not normal.
I am not like everyone else.
I am trouble.
I am a waste of time.
Unworthy of you.

Because you don't see me
because you stop loving me
because I no longer exist for you
because you can leave
I still feel
I still love
I still hope.

I am here
I am breathing
I am hurting
I am still here.

k (My Novelesque Life)

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