Monday, 20 June 2016

Monday Musings

To JA and MB - my squad for life!

I hate confrontations so many times I will sweep a lot things past me, and outwardly agree when I really do not think it is right.  I want to please people and have them like me...even those people I don't like so well.  Then my relationship with my boyfriend got me thinking.  And, when I was sexually harassed at a job I was thinking of taking, I left that situation, but I didn't do anything about it.  When people make negative remarks about race, gender, sexual orientation I change the subject.  I don't address my feelings.  I am so busy making sure others are feeling comfortable that I put my own self in turmoil.  I let my values, and essentially my worth aside.  My boyfriends says I try and save the world but can't save myself...why can't I save us all?  What I got thinking was I do need to save myself first.  I need to stand up for what I believe in and not have the worst thing about me be the thing that holds me back.  And, not let what others think of me hold me back.

The worst thing about me - now here is an invitation to tear me down - is something I keep a secret from most outside my circle.  Maybe revealing it will bite me in the ass, but I can't let it hold me back anymore.  So here is the truth some will judge me harsh for revealing...something I should be ashamed about and I'm not.   To hold it as a secret only gives it power in a negative form.  Those who think I should keep it hidden are worried for themselves and what it means that they associated with someone like me.  I have a mental illness...I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder with a mild form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I can talk to a roomful of people without a script or notes and not have stage fright, but thinking of making small talk with people, I don't want to have small talk with, makes me want to vomit.  I don't like major changes and I cannot stand incompetency and laziness in myself or in others. I like things cleaned my way and the thought of pet hair freaks me out a bit.  As much as you may ask I will always say no to staying at your house (in a very polite way, of course), because I have an irrational fear you will run out of toilet paper while in the bathroom, I also wonder how you clean your towels and sheets, and if I see a wash cloth half in the sink, damp (this is a real life situation I was in) I can't be anywhere near it.  And, do not get me started on the tub/shower.  Yet, I will never actually judge you on it, personally.   I overthink everything, have a plan for almost everything, and have useless and useful trivia about random shit.  I can tell when my stuff has been moved...and I will move it right back.  Some days I find it hard to leave my house because I don't want to be around strangers.  Unless I have hugged you, I don't like to be touched. Reading calms my mind.  My Bibi calmed my mind.  My boyfriend calmed my mind. And my cousin soothes my mind and makes me feel normal.  A few close friend make it easier to breathe and still think I am normal. I have mild panic attacks that you won't see because I have myself trained to suffer them internally.  I take a mild dose of anti-anxiety pills that clear my mind and make me deal with my problems.  I used to take it all in and handle it all until I couldn't anymore.   I physically broke and thought I was really sick.  It was my mind making me deal with everything at once.  Apparently, I am so OCD I can't even fall apart properly and feel to lazy to be depressed. 

It can make me a hard person to be friends with.  I can't always be there physically for you. I sometimes need to hide out that has no bearing on you.  I am a difficult person to love - romantically and non-romantically. I sometime lose myself sometimes.  When I get frustrated I take it out on you.  But I have a lot of empathy and will do anything and everything I can to make sure you know you are an important person in my heart.

I find that in my thirties I am doing a lot of soul searching.  Trying to find the good in me.  2007-2009 were years I broke down a bit and the following 5 years were great years as I began to open up a lot more.  Then my grandma got dementia and soon passed away, I left a job I loved because I could not move any further, and was laid off from a job that was making me wonder my worth.  I am in a job I care about and know so well, but it's not a living wage.  BUT this year I really stood up for myself and beliefs.  I am reading and reviewing what I want and engaging with like-minded people.  I have this core circle of people that won't let me quit even if I wanted to...and a poor boyfriend who has to let me fly and see if he's ready to be stronger or if he needs a new path.  I have not found my calling but I am also not dealing out.  I have a LOT of baggage with me...I am a lot to take on...but no one works hard or to the degree I do when I am passionate about something. It's been six months into this project called me and it's going to take a lot more work than I thought but don't all renovations and repairs.  Fail or succeed, I always survive and get back at it.



  1. Well, you sound kind of...normal!

    I was raised by a mother with an OCD involving cleaning. Her home is immaculate with everything in place, floors you could (literally) sit down and eat on. She's so afflicted she'd rather her children not visit overnight and mess up her order. That's why my visits home are so stressful as I work hard to maintain her order. After about three nights, she's fine with me going home:)

    Of course, I inherited my own set of compulsions. In my home, everything has a place and order. My dishwasher has to be loaded a certain way. My towels have to be folded and placed a certain way. My day has to begin with the same order. Changes to my routine unsettle me but no one can see that.

    So, my friend, I could go on but you get my point. We all are out here with our stuff but most can't see it and that's just fine. People still love us anyway and we aren't our compulsions. You are so lovely, inside and out. Just keep taking your steps everyday and bring your baggage with you. They help make you who you are and that ain't so bad.

    1. Honestly, your strength and acceptance has helped me a lot through the tough times. I finally feel understood and comfortable. You've stood by through everything and it's appreciated more than you could ever know. xoxox

  2. Oh! I have a strong fear of being without toilet paper. When I drove from Virginia to NC to live, I could only bring what fit in my car. A 6-pack of TP made the trip. My friend just couldn't understand why I needed to do that. I didn't even attempt to complain. Right now, I have no fewer than 40 rolls in my home:)

    1. Yep, that is one thing that we overbuy in. Good to know I'm not alone :)

  3. This post made me realize the three of us are even more alike than I thought! I don't have generalized anxiety disorder (my husband does though!), but a lot of the things you described are so me. I don't hug and don't like being touched (with the exception of my husband and kids), the thought of small talk makes me physically ill, and toilet paper! I have that little dash button from Amazon for toilet paper. As soon as we get down to about 20 rolls, I'm clicking to order more. And once I stressed out it wouldn't come fast enough (2 day shipping, good grief) and bought more at the store.

    I am also a bit compulsive about things, especially cleaning. I will assign dishes as a chore to my kids (so they can learn responsibility), and then I go back after them and rearrange the dishwasher. I make all the beds in my house because nobody else does it right. And I can't handle unexpected visitors. It doesn't mean I don't want you to visit, it means I want my house perfect before you get there. This is something I'm really trying to work on. I turn down hanging out with friends so I can clean my house.

    I think you've have grown so much in the time we've known each other. You're beautiful, like Jonetta said, inside and out. You're really taking control of your life and doing what makes you happy. You've been such an example to me. You want to write, so you do. That's helping me sluff the shackles of self-doubt. Love you!

    1. It makes me feel better about my cleaning compulsions. I love entertaining so of course I go overboard with the prep work. And my mom used to do that with me when I was kid. Wash dishes as chores and then she would redo...quality control.

      Thank you for your abundance of support. If my audience is only you guys that is success for me :)